What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 02:33
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She found it foreign!.
Resilience may protect against psychopathic traits in people with childhood trauma - PsyPost
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She married twice! .
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What happens to single guys when they get older?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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One cannot live in the past .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What was your embarrassing moment in front of your father-in-law as an Indian daughter-in-law?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was in good health!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was seconnd youngest,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is soul school!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So whats the point in blame.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im still living with it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
We all went to grammer schools
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I will be 64.
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I think the readers, may guess!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it wasn’t much.
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.